Online dating, chapter 9: Match-offs

In sending my handcrafted rejected emails and fiddling around, I’ve now convinced Match that I’m into the men I consider OHGOODNESSNO!s instead of, say, men I find attractive. No more goofing off, it seems. It’s time to get down to business.

Tonight I’ll go through the “Who Do You Like?” section that’s in the top-middle of the homepage when you log in. Match wants me to go through ten of these match ups, where they pit two profiles against each other, and I have to click on the profile I like better.

What if I don’t like either of them? “I’m interested in something more serious at this point in my life, so email me if you think my mom would like you. ;)” Oh, honey, your mom would probably love me. But based on your profile, you strike me as a mama’s boy.

OH! I can elect to Skip this round and reject them both. Thank goodness. On to the next.

“just be a good clean person and expect the same in return…cleaniness is important to me….and it goes a long way…likes to workout…healthy lifestyle….would be nice if habits neat and tidy..”

VERSUS

“A lot of people have told me that I’m “special” or “gifted”. I think they’re jealous that I can count to 10, or 20 with my shoes off, and even to 22 in the shower. (don’t ask)”

Contender number two has a great profile. I’m not entirely sold on his profile pictures, but I really like what he has to say… except for the fact that he wants a Slender or Athletic and Toned woman. He wouldn’t appreciate my curves, it seems. Eh. I’ll still pick him over Mr. Clean. Next.

Well, shoot. This round, I like both men. How can I game the system and like both of them? Wah. I can’t. Boo.

Next.

Wait… this round is weird. One of the pictures is of a woman.

The man’s profile, in its entirety: “just trying to see what this is all about never did this before looking to meet a nice lady with goals and aspirations in life who is single and doesn t talk to alot of men and has a job and pays bills”.

The woman’s header says, “30 year old Male Flower Mound, TX, USA Seeking women 49-64″, and the profile starts with, “I am looking for a man…”

Given this awful match-up, I would consider selecting the woman’s profile to prove just how little I like the man. However, Match seems to take every little move I make literally, and I can’t make any more thoughtless decisions. I’m hitting Skip on this one. Next round.

Whoa. This guy used 73 commas and one ellipses (at the end) in his first paragraph. In his second paragraph: “I couldn’t care less if women have breasts like fresh magnolias or withered figs, skin smooth as a peach or rough as sandpaper. I accord it an importance equal to zero whether they wake up with the breath of an aphrodisiac or the breath of an insecticide.”

Oh good grief.

Out of ten possible showdowns, I skipped six. No more of this nonsense; from here on out, I’m going to go through my matches and do my own searches. I don’t have time to waste on this ridiculousness.

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