Online dating, chapter 1: it’s like Walmart

First of all, let it be known that when I paid for my Match.com subscription, I thought it was going to be three months of $20-something payments. Nope. Out from my account came $63.93. Let me just go back into Excel and adjust my budget real quick…

When I log into Match.com, I see my daily matches, the number of messages in my inbox, and the number of messages I’ve sent. I also see who has viewed my profile, winked at me like a junior high kid with headgear (I don’t think I’ll be able to get over how stupid the idea of winks are), who I’ve favorited, my (or their?) likes (I have 16 of those. I should figure out what likes are), and then “Phonebook”.

That’s just the left menu. There’s a lot more random stuff on the rest of the page. This has the potential to be exhausting.

Last night after I paid my subscription, I went through some of my matches for the day. There were 9. I also finally read my Match Mail (copyright that, ’cause that’s a cute name. I accept royalties, Match.).

SO MANY PARENTHESIS IN THIS POST. I’ll try to stop.

Ah, okay. I clicked on the Likes link, and it’s men who have liked me. Boring. I’ll come back to that later. Where are the 9 matches I went through last night?

Found them. I said I was interested in one and 10 were “maybes”. Wait. That math doesn’t add up. Huh?

There was one hardcore No for a guy who said he lovz him some dragons, skulls, and skeletons. Cute. I love spelling, and, yeah. I considered screencapping his profile for giggles, then decided I was too tired and just hit the No button.

Okay, now it’s time to go back through my maybes. Some of these maybes are from when I was bored and waiting for my car’s oil change to finish today, so that explains the wonky math. Let’s see if I can cut this down to, like, five. That’s a good number.

This dude’s profile pic shows more of his neck than his face. This isn’t mean-muggin’ – this is nostril inspection. A subsequent picture makes it look like he skips leg day. Reading his profile, and I’m left with Meh. I’m sure you’re a Disney prince in person, but I don’t have time to deal with Meh, my friend. No.

I remember this next guy. Total baby face, but a pretty decent writer, and seems smart. He’ll stay in the Maybe pile.

“I can be passionate about my beliefs and want someone who feels passionate about their beliefs as well.” And he calls himself a conservative. Pretty sure he won’t like my middle-of-the-road political stance, and his pictures make him look like a Rush Limbaugh in training. No.

This guy’s hot. Tall, dark, muscular. Here’s a picture of him with a laughing child! Adorbs! I can see some of his arm tattoos… blocks of text… ehhh… Another picture of him coaching middle-school basketball! Oh, no… a camo shirt with a black leather vest? A Hooters wifebeater? Mosquito-eyed sunglasses? Such potential. No.

-Yes, I read the last guy’s profile. Let me clue you into my method: read profile, check pictures, reread profile, mull it over. Generally. Sometimes, if the guy’s picture makes me grimace, I’ll check to see if there are better pictures. If he’s a total loss from his pictures, it’s a no. I’m judging books by their covers, and you would, too.

There’s a little box at the bottom of my screen telling me that some guy from Oklahoma wants to chat. I’m busy. I’m shopping for men. Don’t bother me, dude.

So, yeah, tangent: a good way to describe online dating is that it’s like Walmart. Most people there are normal, but then you get a few really oddball ones that you get as far away from as possible before they see you – though not before getting evidence so you can make fun of them later. I feel like I’m shopping for men, and that’s pretty weird. Does the weirdness go away?

Onward. This guy looks okay – Maybe. Next guy has two sentences and one picture. That’s the extent of his profile. No. Next guy: “I love competition, so I’m really into sports. Both watching and playing… I love to write and travel. My dream job is to be a freelance travel writer someday.” I’m not really that competitive… but he loves to write and travel. Maybe.

There are three more guys in my Maybe pile, but I’m just going to stick with my initial decision. And there was one more guy today that I said No to:

(Texting) Me: “I’m waiting for my car to be ready, going through my matches on the app, and I just rejected someone because he looked like Yoda. Welcome to my existence.”

Mel: “He could be nice.”

Me: “I’m not that shallow – I didn’t like his profile, either. I promise I’m being nice.”

Mel: “Oh I know. I was kidding”

I love that she basically just gave me the okay to reject someone because they look like a mythical creature. “The fear of loss is a path to the Dark Side.” Well said, Master Yoda. I don’t fear losing this guy. No. Let there be light!

There’s one guy I saw last night who, as I read his profile, grabbed my attention and held tight. I got excited by what he said, but kept looking at his profile picture. He looked like such a dud. Thankfully, he uploaded 12 photos, so I started going through them.

Hello, sir. He’s hot. He travels. I want to pet his face. “Born and raised right here in Dallas, but I’ve been gone for the better part of a decade and just returned to take a job here after a long stint in the San Francisco Bay. It’s good to be back…all that time away – especially a frigid three year leg in Boston – has made me love Big D even more.” But surely he’ll be open to moving away again, right? He’s on a RTW trip right now, and mentioned SE Asia, so I sent him a quick email telling him to let me know if he needs any recommendations. There are a couple small turnoffs in his profile, but I still want to pet his face. He’s staying in the “You’re Interested” pile.

So this is my free time now – going through the aisles, deciding if men are Nos, Maybes, or Heck Yeahs. It’s really too bad I can’t share more info on these guys, like their pictures, ’cause some of them are just stupid. And then some, like my one I’m Interested guy, deserve to get a little attention.

I still need to go through my emails – my Match Mail. And today’s matches. And I should probably figure out what the guy from Oklahoma has to say. Would it be weird to have a personal assistant do my online dating for me? This is a lot of work, and I want to watch House of Cards.

6 comments

    1. In college, my friends would know I’d had too much to drink if I took their face into my hands to talk to them earnestly. Apparently I’m a big fan of faces.

  1. 1) Care to sell me on Season 2 of House of Cards? So far, I am planning to give it a miss because the major characters seemed, during Season 1, to have few redeeming features, being substantially more cynical than even the Washington, DC setting demanded.
    2) I am toying with the idea of a trip to Taipei and may ask you for advice on what to see there.
    3) Your experiences with online dating make for very amusing reading.

    1. 1. I’m on S1E4. So far I like it, but mainly because I believe politics is just as twisted as the show depicts, and it’s fun to root for the antihero. I may feel differently once I finish the season. We’ll see.
      2. Absolutely. My friend and I are visiting TW in April, so I’ll have fresh perspective. Off the top of my head, definitely go see Longshan Temple (west of downtown but easily accessible by the metro) and Sun Yat-Sen Memorial Hall.
      3. My experiences are even funnier in person since I get to read everything and see all the pictures. I’m sure Match wouldn’t be so pleased to see how much I’m sharing, but eh. I need to see if I can start posting pictures, though, while somehow protecting people’s identities. Some of this stuff is just gold.

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