Online dating, or why I’m an idiot.

It’s common knowledge that I’m an idiot when it comes to calendars. I once planned a high-school reunion for June 31st. I’m as organized as they come, but I have to ask people to double-check my calendar to make sure I’m not screwing stuff up.

This would be why, on the eve of Valentine’s Day, aka last night, I set up a Match.com profile. All the lonely people flock to online dating sites on VDay, just like out-of-shape people go to the gym en masse on January 1. Did I think about the timing? Nope. It was just Thursday night to me. 

My previous experience with online dating was pretty disappointing. First of all, do you even know how many sites there are now? I wouldn’t do ChristianMingle because they took a hymn and misused it in a commercial. That’s just weird. Plenty of Fish, according to friends who have used it, is more appropriate for people looking for “immediate gratification” (bow chicka bow wow). I used eHarmony in Austin and had such terrible matches that the insanely-long questionnaire and the hours it took to create my profile were a complete waste of time.

However, my entire love life in Texas has basically been a complete waste of time. What do I have to lose?

So Match.com it was.

I breezed through the questions, and then was asked to enter a few sentences for an “In my own words” section. I just went for it. An edited version:

Okay, so here’s some honesty for you. I was 235 pounds as of Dec 31, but have cut out most sugar and am trying to train for a 10K sometime this year. Once I get back from a trip to Taiwan in April, I want to get back into CrossFit. I love lifting weights. I suck at running – like, 5K in 45 minutes suckage – but I enjoy it. My preference is to be with someone who is motivated to be healthy, too.

BAM! Truth train! And I’m just getting started!

I drive an SUV with a truck chassis so I can do whatever I want in it (mud looks sexy on an SUV, amirite?), but I recycle like crazy to make up for that whole oil dependency thing. Oops. If you drive a Maserati or rev your engine randomly or park your dually truck in compact car parking, we probably won’t get along. That drives me nuts. Actually, you’re allowed to drive a Maserati. Who am I to judge?

I’m a non-denom Christian, and my faith is important to me. Jesus and I are bffs. But I cuss. I would never, ever say anything inappropriate around children, and I wait until I know my audience, but I like cursing. And dirty jokes. And innuendo. And sarcasm. I fully believe God has a wicked sense of humor and laughs a LOT.

(Choo-choo!)

I prefer to spend money on travel and experiences and get major (like, stupid-bad) wanderlust every six months or so. Five-star hotels are nice, but I’d rather stay in a hostel or Airbnb or a homestay.

If you like a woman in high heels, sorry. I physically can’t wear them. I’m in flats, Sperrys, Vans, or running shoes most of the time.

I’m not meant to be in Dallas forever. I’d love to get out west, to Colorado, or the coast. Dallas is too flat for me. Gimme oceans and mountains. The majesty of God’s work – it’s amazing!

I uploaded a few current, painfully Marshmallow-Man-esque photos, hit publish, and expected that to be the end of it. That was last night right before I went to bed.

Now, roughly 15 hours later, I have five emails in my Match.com inbox – apparently one person sent me “their only VIP email!” Three people liked my photos. Two people winked at me. I think winking is the equivalent of a Facebook poke, which means I hate it. The kicker is that I need to “subscribe” to Match.com so I can read the emails and see who’s interested.

‘Kay, fine. I’ll give it three months. Given that my two most popular posts have been about my dating life – my worst date ever in the history of Mandykind and my experience speed dating – I figure this whole experience will make for interesting blog fodder. I still need to finish writing about my New York trip, but I was aching to write something lighter and funnier. Ask and ye shall receive.

I don’t know how much faith I have in these matches. I received an email with my “9 matches for today!”, and one guy hated flying and had been to Hawaii once, and it was okay, so he might go again someday. Sup, soulmate?

–Oh, someone in Alton just liked me. Where on earth is Alton?

…it’s on the border by Brownsville. Yeah, as in, almost in Mexico. I’m practically in Oklahoma, dude. But maybe if you’re hot…

So yeah, there you have it. I’ll subscribe once I get back to my apartment, I guess. We’ll see if any of these matches are exciting, or if Match.com is just as bad as eHarmony was at finding me a beau.

Six emails now. Depending on how this goes, I might ask a male friend of mine to go speed dating with me so I can have another post on that from two perspectives. Get ready, folks. I think this blog is about to get interesting again.

2 comments

  1. Spent some time on eHarmony too. The first time I was in Mosul, Iraq and the second, southern Afghanistan. But I showed that I was a Texan and would not be in The-Middle-of-the-East forever. Had some interesting encounters via eHarm, so I can certainly relate. Your post made me smile and laugh out loud more than once.

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