Dear Diary

I avoid negative posts on this blog. There are a number of reasons why. I don’t want to invite the inevitable “Miss you/come home now/I don’t understand why you’re there” comments, as well as those on the opposite side who will tell me how ungrateful or judgmental I am.

Another reason is because it’s hard to tell just how upset or not upset I am. I’m fine. I’m just going to write something a little more negative than normal because, you know what, it’s my truth right now. If you knew me in 2006 or so when I was teetering on depression and had trouble figuring out why I should get out of bed in the morning, you can be assured I have none of those feelings right now.

But yeah, I’m going to write how I feel today. Because as much as I despise travel blogs that couldn’t find humor if it punched them in the face, I also hate the ones that are always super chipper. Life is not always sunshine and cupcakes. Sometimes it flat out sucks, and it doesn’t matter where you are or your mental health status; sometimes all you want to do is crawl into bed and avoid existing for five minutes.

You want honesty? Here it is: there are days when I hate living in Taiwan. There are many days when I loathe Hsinchu. Most days I like it here, but once I move away, I probably won’t come back.

The redeeming factor for this place is that the people here who I know and have befriended are some of the most outstanding people on this planet. They give me hope in humanity and have helped me be a better person just by being in my life. They are generous, compassionate, funny, soulful people, and I couldn’t be more grateful for them.

So when I write about hating it here, it’s not because of my friends. I have a family here I can depend on and trust, and they’ve brought me through my bouts of culture shock and bad days with grace. This whole experience is worth it because of them.

Right now I’m on my bed listening to the rain slap against the overhang outside. Winter has announced its arrival in Hsinchu and, in the spirit of honesty, I’ll say that I hate Hsinchu’s winter. It was miserable last year, and I have no doubt it’ll be just as bad this year. Scooting in this weather, when it’s raining, cold, and winds are gusting at 20mph, is a triumph in patience and keeping your glorified bicycle under control.

There are a lot of things I’ll miss about this place when I leave. And I’m well aware of the blessing I’ve been given in terms of being able to pay off my debt this quickly. I am grateful. But no matter who you are, there are things you miss about home when you live abroad.

I miss my family and friends. My loved ones are on the other side of the planet. I can’t be there for the people who love me, and they can’t be there for me. Weddings, births, funerals, breakups, deaths, moves, graduations, birthdays, anniversaries: all the big stuff, I miss.

Or, hey, I just had a rotten day, want to go get ice cream and watch trashy TV all night? Yeah. I miss that.

I miss jogging without considering wearing my face mask or having to worry about pollution every day. I miss taking a shower and having it be one steady temperature. I miss yards. I miss driving. I miss central air and heat. I miss microwave pizza. I miss spur-of-the-moment road trips. I miss being able to read labels. I miss CrossFit. I miss funny commercials that get annoying after a few months. I miss spinach. I miss deli meat. I miss liking rain. I miss the radio. I miss the ease of domestic flights. I miss being self-sufficient. I miss slow, romantic walks. I miss Cooler Ranch Doritos.

…I miss a lot of foods, apparently.

I’m not moving elsewhere until the timing is right. It’s not about anyone but me, which is very selfish, but I’m not married, I’m not a mother (except to my poor cat, and he probably thinks I’m a huge jerk), and I have no responsibilities to anyone except myself right now. That’s a freedom most people don’t have, and I’m going to take advantage of it.

On nights like tonight, though, I miss being in a place I call home.

And Cooler Ranch Doritos.

14 comments

  1. Oh Amandy! I know IRS hard to leave apart from most of your friends and family. Just know you are missed and remind yourself that you are pursuing an adventure that 95% of the publuc would be too afraid or timid to pursue. This makes you more amazing, cool, brave and awesome than 95% of the US population. Not too shabby. 🙂

    1. You’re so good about encouraging me when I’m not feeling 100%. That’s why Jackson’s so blessed to have you for a mom. And I’m blessed to have you as my friend!

  2. Man, even I miss Cool Ranch Doritos. Why don’t I buy those more? What happened to the Blazin’ Buffalo/Cool Ranch Dorito fun bag? I need answers!

    Every time I get cabin fever about being in one place too long (6 months seems to be my max), I remember that people like you find opportunities to do something bold and out of the ordinary. You burst through the walls that had built up, and you found yourself scared but alive on the other side. I love that. It gives me hope that I can be just a few decisions away from my next big adventure whenever I want. The very best adventures are never easy all the time, which I think is what makes getting through them so thrilling.

    In summation: You’re awesome!

    1. You make me sound so much cooler than I feel. Even living abroad, I get stir crazy – I want to travel and explore and get out of whichever city my bed currently resides in. It was weird to move abroad and still feel that way.

      Now I realize just how much I want a home base. Travel is great, adventures will always be important to me, but there needs to be a safe haven, a little spot in the middle of all the craziness of the world, where I can throw my coat and purse on the floor and breathe. It’s a startling thing to realize after so many years thinking I’d be happy moving place to place and being a nomad.

      I’m still trying to figure out what it all means. The only thing for sure is that the next time I find them, I’m chowing down on those Cool Ranch Doritos. Nacho Cheese just isn’t cutting it anymore!

      Thanks for the comment. I miss getting to sit and nosh on delicious food (a la Kirby Lane) while talking about life. Can we do that again when I make my way back to Dallas?

      1. YESSSS. I seriously almost included a few sentences requesting you eat enormous cinnamon rolls with me and share adventures when you get back. It’s a standing date, then!

  3. Honest and real. There is always ‘bad’ with the good, and I love that you consider them both thoughtfully. You continue to inspire! xoxo

    1. I consider them both on paper, but some days all I see is the frustrating stuff. I have a group of friends here that I can text when I’m having “one of those days”, and they’ve been a major lifesaver!

  4. I was only in Korea 2 months and I needed food from home. If the cravings still exsist or reappear (since I’m commenting ~1.5 months later), let me know what you want and where to send it!

    1. Haha, you’re wonderful. My mom sends me pretty regular care packages, so I’m pretty set. The primary things I have her send are medicine – like NyQuil and Advil. Once people here (expats) find out I have Advil, I’m the most popular kid on the block. The Taiwanese generally like to take care of ailments naturally, so OTC drugs can be hard to find. However, illegal drugs are pretty easy to find.

      So good to hear from you! How is everything?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s